TANGENTS a NGE fanfic by EeL produced 21 Jun 98 NEON GENESIS EVANGELION is owned by GAINAX. This fanfic is not strictly an alternate universe piece, rather it is a trio of silly 'What If's about how the whole series can be thrown off the rails by changing a couple of minutes of the script. The role of accidents in history and how they tend to mess up any grand unified theories. There'll be adult references (and I don't mean mortgage payments or filing tax returns). So will the underaged, the pure and the innocent PLEASE exit now. Oh, one should also note that any OOC behaviour on the part of the characters is intended. And yes, there will lots of spoilers. Pointy brackets indicate --- EPISODE EIGHT Asuka hummed a cheerful tune as she swung her legs to and fro through the top and mid barrier of the aircraft carrier's guard rails. Using her hands to pivot herself on the top rail, she was enjoying the blue sky above, the white Pacific surf below and a *real* man by her side. "So, what do you think of Mister Ikari Shinji?" enquired Kaji who was still savouring the little joke that he had pulled in the cafeteria at Misato's expense. "The Great Third Child?" asked Asuka dismissively. "Heee's boooring." "And yet his synchornization ratio was well over 40% in combat without any prior training," said Kaji, dropping this little bombshell on Asuka's pride in his usual flippant tone. "Mein Gott!" exclaimed Asuka, genuinely surprised. "It can't be," she thought. "Well, I'll just have to show him what a superior pilot I am." This was, however, the least of her problems as the distraction caused her to lose her grip on the railings she was swinging on. "THIIIIIS SUUUUUUCKS!!!" screamed Asuka as she plunged headlong from the carrier deck and into the Pacific Ocean with an almighty splash. --- EPISODE NINE Everyone in the NERV command centre beamed like proud parents as Units 01 and 02 leapt to execute the coup de grace against the Seventh Angel. The Evas culminated their graceful dance of death, crushing the twin red globes of the Angel. The momentum sending both them and their opponent plowing into the side of a mountain which was swiftly engulfed by the resulting explosion. The smiles of pride and hopeful expectation were replaced by varied looks of amusement, utter disbelief, or snide condescension as the viewscreens cleared up to reveal Units 01 and 02 in an unceremonious tangle of lime green/purple and orange/red biomechanical limbs. As Shinji clambered out of his entry plug, his attention was caught by the ringing telephone that had popped out from the armour of his Eva. Intrigued at this new feature, he picked up the receiver only to be subject to a torrent of verbal abuse from Asuka. "What are you doing on MY Unit 02!? You know damn well that *I'M* the one who's supposed to be on top! Dummkopf!" "Hey! It's not my fault," replied Shinji defensively. "Besides you've got to admit - top or bottom, I'm still pretty good!" "Good!?" shouted Asuka. "I'll have you know that I was faking it last night!" "WHAT!? You cheat! You were pretending!?" Shinji's pride was really wounded - especially since their little exchange was being broadcast across NERV HQ and Tokyo-3. "I don't believe this!" Deputy Commander Fuyutsuki's shoulders slumped as he groaned in despair. "Those darn kids are embarrassing us again." --- EPISODE THIRTEEN "It's happening! Balthasar has been taken over!" exclaimed Hyuuga. -Auto Self Destruct Sequence has been determined.- -Self Destruct will commence 20 seconds after all three A.I. consent.- announced the deep but definitely feminine voice of the MAGI supercomputers. "What? It's started already?" asked Misato as she leaned out of the Casper module's crawlway. "Balthasar is now invading Caspar!" shouted Aoba. -Self Destruct in 20 seconds.- A collective "Oh No!" went up from the NERV personnel with the exceptions of Maya and Ritsuko who were hard at work on introducing a virus to destroy the Eleventh Angel. "Casper will be taken over in 18 seconds!" Aoba announced so that everyone knew how much time they had left to let their lives flash before their eyes. -Self Destruct in 10 seconds.- "Ritsuko, hurry!" shouted Misato. "Don't worry! I've got one whole second to spare." answered the chief scientist, calm and in control as always. "ONLY ONE SECOND!?" - 8 - "It's not a zero or a minus..." replied the good doctor, thus proving that her attempts at humour were not always at the expense of Misato's lifestyle. "Maya!" - 7, 6 - "We can do it!" replied her feisty assistant and admirer. - 5, 4, 3 - "Hit it!!!" shouted Ritsuko as she slammed her finger on to the keyboard at the same time as Maya. - 2, 1, 0 - After years of having to endure calls to technical helplines about "It says 'Press any key to continue.' Where is the 'Any' key?", computer programmers agreed on the 'Enter' key to signal the affirmative and to execute an instruction. Unfortunately, the impeccable Dr Akagi Ritsuko had slammed her finger down on the 'Shift' key. "Ooops." -Self Destruct commenced.- -Goodbye, cruel world.- BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. The End --- Believe it or not, I actually have some even weirder 'tangent' scenarios than the above where the whole NGE universe just shoots off on a completely far out direction. But they're mostly too sick to see the light of day. But if I survive the responses to this fic, well, who knows? Send your hatemail to toheel@singnet.com.sg